spider solitaire — hotel beds — the other side of town — ending up becoming yourself

09Jun10

I felt a bit weird about posting the word/picture thing above. It’s taken me a couple of days to actually do it. Going back to my what’s private/what’s not musings from a few nights ago, this felt a bit earnest. A bit too heart-in-my-mouth-or-on-my-sleeve or wherever.

So just now I did a curious thing. I cropped the top and the bottom off it, and then I felt a bit more okay with outing it. Pretty much I cut the middle section out, and that’s what you see above (no sky, no earth, just the horizontal regions). It’s incomplete, completely truncated. And because it’s incomplete it’s somehow beyond proper scrutiny. Which makes it okay, putting it here, like this. You cannot possibly know what came before or what comes after. And that makes me okay with it. Silly, maybe.

Today was my no after-work drink day. It was, but it isn’t now. Tonight I have been playing spider solitaire mindlessly and loving every moment of it. Drowning out Simon’s music with my own with semi noise-cancelling headphones, drinking the wine I’m not supposed to be drinking. I don’t know what I ever did before headphones. Or wine, for that matter. But I don’t really mean that. The wine part.

Tonight I am especially listening to The Rural Alberta Advantage & Frightened Rabbit. My own personal CD collection is getting quite large now. I think it might be back up to about 20 or 25 CDs. I am pretty fussy about what gets admitted into my music collection now.

Today I ventured out to the other side of town. It was sunny and I got to look at lots of people as they went about their business. I especially like sitting inside the curved Lido window for a bit of laidback people watching.

It was kind of funny how it worked out. Simon and I met there quite randomly (probably the first time we’ve had weekday lunch together in about a year) and it so happened that my brother happened to be at the table next to us having a serious coffee meeting. I was actually quite mature about it, considering I could have easily made disconcerting eye contact and put him off his game. Then someone walked past who knew us all, saw us sitting apart but pretty much together and was like ‘what the fuck?’ on the other side of the giant window pane. (Having just recounted that, I see it’s probably one of those situational humour scenarios, but it was actually pretty funny. And stuff like that usually doesn’t happen to me of a workday, since I mostly lunch at my desk.)

Anyway, I’ve decided I’m going to get out of the office more. Like once a day, no matter how busy I am.

I started editing Frankie. It’s a good disaster. It’s not even really a real disaster. But it is a lot easier to procrastinate. She’ll be right — Frankie will — but just not right at this very moment in time.

It feels like we’re living inside a showhome at the moment. It’s nice being immaculate, but it’s really not me. It’s like coming home to a hotel bed every night. And every morning I hide all traces of us being there. And I turn up to work late (or even later than usual) and a little bit frazzled.

I read about this book today. Although of course you end up becoming yourself. I liked the title. And I have been thinking about that lately, about becoming yourself.

I am going to go now. This is pretty fragmented. But I can see mess out of the corner of my eye. It’s hard to just be still.

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